Not Quite Real
by Jyo-Chan
Summary: A mockery of emotions. Just a faint memory of the real thing. There’s no use in pushing down those memories. Axel x Roxas -For Illbewaiting-


A mockery of emotions. Just a faint memory of the real thing. There's no use in pushing down those memories. Axel x Roxas (For Illbewaiting)

Kyaa! This one-shot is dedicated to the lovely Sule who continues to spoil me with many pictures. (Squeals in fandom) Enjoy!

Oh! But also, I should say that this one-shot includes some spoilers for those who haven't seen some certain bits of Final Mix. But yeah, read at your own discretion!

Very Axel-Centric by the by.

* * *

Number 8, Axel. Flurry of Dancing Flames.

Despite his fiery abilities, he had a cold, cold personality.

Misled, corrupted and shaped to the Superior's (other wise known as Number 1) liking of being a cold-blooded, unfeeling killer of some sort.

He never hesitated at any given order, he completed them swiftly and efficiently. He took his job seriously, even if it may or may not have been for the right reasons.

But really, what _is_ right and what is wrong?

It's safe to say that there is no answer to that mind-boggling question of existence.

Despite his number, he could've easily taken up one of the top ranks of the organization. But unfortunately, their numbers represented their birth. Not their strength.

He was there when Number 9, Demyx, was introduced. The Melodious Nocturne.

Axel found the blond to be a nuisance who took everything too lightheartedly. He spouted nonsense about how they really _do_ have hearts. He acted as though he had one, even though it was clear that he didn't. None of them did. But he dreamed a dream.

_Oh, we do too have hearts!_

Dreams are for the weak. Demyx was weak.

Although when provoked enough, Number 9 could actually put up a good fight, albeit on the wet side of things. They found that he was more suited to recon missions. Search of information of other worlds and such.

He was a pretty good runner too.

But regardless, in the end, only hard workers get their hard-earned reward.

There was Number 10, Luxord.

It was hard to tell what that man thought sometimes, behind that poker face of his. But it was obvious that in his other life, when he had a heart, he was a mischievous and cheeky character who liked to gamble a lot.

Hence his Organization name, The Gambler of Fate.

His weapon of choice, ironically enough, was a deck of cards. Flimsy little things they were, but at least they proved to be good enough to give paper cuts. Several of them.

Although the cards were no match for the red head who could easily burn them with a flick of his wrist. He forced back another memory of humiliation. Why did he have to have such a _weak_ comrade?

Axel was still unsure if a 'sitar' was better than a deck of cards. But as long as they inflicted some sort of pain, he couldn't care less.

Not that he cared at all in the beginning.

What had the Superior been thinking when he allowed these idiots to join? They were no better than Zexion. That straight faced character fought with a book.

A paper-back book was not sufficient enough for a real fight. But at least Number 6 had the ability to create illusions and scheme his way out of a fight of brawns.

The red head pushed down the memory of feeling complete shame at his so called team mates.

Shortly after Luxord was brought into the Organization, Number 11, Marluxia, the Graceful Assassin, was introduced. At least his weapon looked threatening, despite its color.

Notwithstanding Number 11's strange behavior, he had skills of manipulation and exceptional fighting abilities. A great asset to whatever the Organization was striving to retrieve.

A refreshing change from the last two members.

Axel found that, more than once, he could have a really good conversation about various things with Marluxia. Another refresher.

But as soon as Number 12, Larxene, who was given another name as the Savage Nymph, and was brought into the picture, chaos was induced. Whispers of disloyalty and betrayal filtered through the air from a reliable source via Number 2, Xigbar.

That man really knew how to eavesdrop without even trying. A manipulator of time and space indeed. One second he would be right in front of you, engaged in a sensible conversation, the next, he would be right above you. Smirking and snickering away and acting as though he knew better.

Axel had spent a good five minutes trying to find a good word to describe Number 2. It was bothersome with a side of aggravation.

In the Organization, knowledge was power. Next to fighting prowess.

Number 11 and 12 planned a revolt, to throw off the Superior from his pedestal and claim the rights to Kingdom Hearts.

Their efforts were noteworthy, but futile.

He didn't get to speak with Larxene very much, bad timing and all, but when he did, he found her quite forceful and cruel with her choice of words. She never really thought things through before she spoke.

The both of them, Marluxia and Larxene, met their demise in the end, with careful handling and exploitation from Axel who became like a double edged knife.

Vexen also died by his hands, he got in the way and almost spilled precious secrets to a certain boy.

When the boy exploded and asked him why, it got him thinking, and he didn't really know the answer. Maybe because he was told to do it. Nothing more than that.

The boy looked sympathetic, the red head felt nonchalant. Sympathy was for the weak. Axel was not weak, but he could not feel even if he wanted to. So really, it never meant anything.

Axel led them all astray with his so-called loyalty all the while truly working for the Superior instead.

Sure, his mission sacrificed the entire Organization a valuable five members, but they were considered weak and if they couldn't handle a couple of snot-nosed brats, then they didn't deserve an empty after-life.

They deserved nothing.

However, just when he thought things would only get better, everything went downhill when Number 13, Roxas, was introduced.

_The Keyblade's Chosen One._

When he first saw the thirteenth member, he felt something akin to annoyance bubble inside of him. He folded his arms and furrowed his eyebrows in a mockery of said annoyance as his green, green eyes rested on the short blond boy.

He tried to push down the memories of feeling, but the boy sparked such strong emotions from the red head, even though Axel was a Nobody, and was not suppose to feel.

What would the Superior think of him now?

He once stood so tall when he thought about the Superior, but now, he felt like he was shrinking, just a fraction. But he brushed off the memory aside.

The thirteenth member was such a short kid, yet he played such a vital part to the Superior's plan, Axel couldn't quite help but feel somewhat annoyed and vaguely cheated. He felt the corners of his lips turn down into a mockery of a frown as he gripped his leather sleeves.

He watched as the Superior continued talking about the boy, the keyblade wielder, the key to the success of claiming Kingdom Hearts.

_The Key of Destiny_, was what Xemnas decided to name him.

Axel felt rage bubble inside of him as he watched the boy sit on the lowest pedestal, eyes low, head down, silent.

He could hardly tell if the boy was listening at all. He gritted his teeth together as he narrowed his glare.

He remembered being annoyed by Demyx, but this boy invoked a deeper emotion from him. Maybe because this boy was practically a child.

He felt his irritation being piqued the longer he glowered at the boy. He felt a low growl erupt from his throat as he continued to cast a mockery of a glare towards the boy. But as soon as the meeting was over, he immediately left the room in wisps of black tendrils to release his pent up 'rage'. Or whatever farce of an emotion that was.

The second time he saw him, was when he was on the way up to the Proof of Existence.

The blond looked so forlorn but at the same time, somewhat nonchalant, when he looked at the false pretense of a tombstone in front of him that had the symbols of two of his summoned keyblades shining in a brilliant yet eerie blue light.

He tried not to let out a scoff of annoyance when he walked past him and stepped through the portal of his own 'tombstone'.

He couldn't handle seeing the boy. However amount of time he spent in the same place as him, whether large or small. He could barely handle being in the same room as him with other members around.

The boy never spoke to anybody but the Superior, the boy never reacted to whatever wily comments that Number 10 made about Number 9 being unable to play poker because he didn't have the gift of having a poker face.

The boy didn't laugh, the boy didn't smile, the boy never looked up at whoever spoke to him.

Axel was starting to wonder if the kid was dumb, deaf and mute.

But after he thought about it, he was sure the kid wasn't mute, since the boy would often be heard talking to the Superior. He was sure the kid wasn't deaf either, or else he wouldn't have responded with such a curt reply.

He was sure the kid wasn't dumb at all, because when the Superior assigned him to a particular mission that would take about two days to finish up, the boy was back in one.

Either he ran away in cowardice, or whatever ridicule of an emotion that was, or the kid managed to get his work done quickly and efficiently.

As much as the red head hated to admit it, everybody in this organization was adequate in terms of brains and/or brawn. Even number 4, Vexen. He was weak, but at least he was smart to make up for it. More or less.

In their third meeting, where everybody had to regroup in the white, white room with pedestals of different heights to report about their missions. The boy merely gave two short answers.

_How was your mission, number 13?_ Xemnas had asked as he peered at the boy behind the shadows of his hood.

_It was fine. _The boy kept his eyes low and his voice only loud enough so that everybody could hear without difficulty.

_Did you have any troubles?_

_No._

Such disrespect.

Axel almost wanted to strangle the kid with his bare hands.

Once everybody had reported back about their missions and the meeting was over, the red head left before anybody could ask him about the details of his mission back in Twilight Town. Number 9 was a busy, nosy Nobody like that.

They passed in the hallways a few times, Axel's quick, steady pace against the slow, calculated steps of the blond.

When the red head walked past, he could've sword the blond had given him a nod. A nod of acknowledgement perhaps? He wasn't quite sure, but it got his feathers ruffled.

Just thinking about the kid completely made him angry beyond belief. Or whatever emotion he remembered this being.

They were paired up for a mission once in Hollow Bastion. Axel wasn't very happy about it, but he didn't want to disappoint the Superior or get on his bad side, so he gritted his teeth and left the World that Never Was with the boy in tow.

The castle of which a certain witch had occupied before was getting over-infested with countless heartless, big and small, weak and powerful. But that wasn't part of their mission.

Supposedly there was a portal there, somewhere in the upper towers of the castle that would lead to opening Kingdom Hearts.

They were just there to confirm whether it was true or not.

When they returned from the mission, Xemnas would be a little disappointed about the end results but that man hardly showed much emotion, they were about to part their separate ways when the boy spoke.

_It was a good experience working with you._ The boy had said, his eyes looking up at him for a few short seconds before looking back down again, and his voice only loud enough for Axel to hear.

The red head wasn't quite sure if he was hearing things right or if his ears were playing tricks on him, so he merely gave an offhanded reply.

_Yeah, sure. Whatever._ And then he left to retreat back into his portal to wait for the next meeting of which he could relay back what they did in Hollow Bastion.

He sat over the ledge that overlooked the World that Never Was that basked in the light that belonged to Kingdom Hearts. He had never seen such a deep color of blue in a person's eyes before. An even deeper shade of blue than the real keyblade wielder. From what he could remember back in Castle Oblivion.

He tried to erase his own memories about that horrible, forsaken place.

Ah…that was a bit…unfeeling of him to compare the kid with that _other_ kid. But the red head was nothing but a shell of memories to begin with. He had no feelings to even begin with.

As the days went by and the missions they were sent to together increased, Xemnas thought they made a good team of Nobodies, slowly, Axel's irritation, his anger, his annoyance for the thirteenth member slowly dissipated away to nothingness. And it was replaced with a sort of respect.

The more time the red head spent with the smaller boy, the more he realized that…the thirteenth member could probably kick his ass. Without too much difficulty.

The boy talked to him a few times, they held a conversation together a few times. When they didn't have any missions, they would stand by each other and watch the formation of Kingdom Hearts in comfortable silence.

After a particular mission in Twilight Town, they sat on the top of the clock tower and watched the sun set.

They heard laughter from below them and they looked down to see a group of familiar kids eating a familiar type of dessert.

Before the red head thought about it, he had already left and returned with two popsicle sticks of said dessert and he handed one over to the blond who merely stared at it with blue orbs of surprise and slowly raised his own hand to receive it.

_Thank you…_

It sounded like a heartfelt word of gratitude. And for a moment, the red head felt something grow inside of him, he felt something…akin to happiness.

He wasn't sure if it was a figment of his imagination, a memory, or if he really-

He quickly schooled his face back to a normal scowl, this kid was too much for him to handle. Too much in one sitting.

But, it still felt nice. Or whatever emotion that was.

_Yeah, sure. Whatever._ Again with the offhanded reply.

They returned to the World that Never Was, reported in about their mission and then they went their separate ways again. But whenever they bumped into each other in the hallways, they would share a small bit of conversation.

One time, when Axel had been talking to Number 2 about the functions of a human heart, Number 9 had thought it would be funny to dump a manifestation of cold water on top of the fire user.

He was fuming, and the water from his jacket started to evaporate into steam but when he heard another set of laughter join in with the water conjurer, he felt his anger slowly fade away. Replaced with something like embarrassment. He turned tail and walked away, his clothes dripping off puddles and his shoes squeaking with each footstep that he made.

After the kid left for a mission, Axel didn't care. But when the boy didn't come back after three days, he began to feel something similar to worry. He decided to wait one more day, but when that day came and left, he felt it was his duty to go on a self-imposed mission to find the kid and bring him back.

The blond returned in time to see the red head screaming and shouting his head off at the dirty haired blond who insisted repeatedly that Roxas _will_ be back sooner or later.

_Axel?_

The red head felt something comparable to relief wash over him when he saw that the boy was still there and in one piece. Not an injury on him.

He hid his relief behind a mask of annoyance as he stared at the blond, never once opening him mouth to speak.

_Is there something wrong?_ The blond asked as he stepped closer to the two.

_It's nothing._ He replied curtly and left. Number 9 merely shrugged as he watched the red head leave.

Axel retreated back into his portal and felt the need to scream and shout. There was something wrong with him. He was sure of it.

He felt something stir inside of him. Like a feeling of uneasiness, maybe restlessness, he wasn't quite sure what it was. And his memories weren't enough to help him remember what it was like to feel.

What is was like to understand that sort of emotion.

One time when they were exchanging a conversation, Axel had made an offhanded comment like he usually would, but this time, the blond had taken it a little too seriously. They ended up arguing about it and when Number 13 walked away, Axel felt something inside of him break.

He was starting to wonder if it was worth it the effort to get his heart back. If it was worth trying to get Kingdom Hearts.

They eventually made up, after a few days. With a clumsy apology, but it was an apology none the less. And when the boy smiled, Axel felt something jump inside of him. And then he thought, maybe getting back Kingdom Hearts would be completely worth it.

If it means seeing him smile everyday. For real.

Somehow, somewhere down the line, the boy started to act a little differently. Started to distance himself from the members of the organization and the red head.

And at first, the red head had always assumed that it was just 'one of those days' that the blond would often have. But he realized, almost too late, that it wasn't.

Days passed, and slowly, Roxas was scarcely seen around the halls. Roxas stopped having small conversations with Axel. Roxas stopped watching Kingdom Hearts grow with Axel. Roxas stopped doing _anything_ with Axel.

Axel wasn't sure why, he didn't know why.

Maybe it was something he did, but he didn't know what it was. But just when he was about to ask what was wrong, the boy decided to leave.

And it invoked a sense of loss within him. A sense of fear, dread, fright…Everything that had anything with to do with the synonyms of terror.

_No one would miss me._

Axel's voice was trapped in his throat and he panicked as he watched the blond walk furtherer away from him.

_That's not true… _But by then, the boy had already walked through the portal into between and betwixt. _I would…_

Axel felt something inside of him burst. It almost hurt him. And if it hurt this much even though he didn't have a heart, he sure as hell didn't want to find out how much more painful it could get if he had one.

He had fought desperately to try and get him back, but no matter what he did, nothing ever came out the way he wanted them to.

He was starting to hate his existence. His meaningless existence.

And one day, the boy suddenly disappeared. As though he dropped off the very face of the universe.

Axel searched high and low to find him again, from the Land of Dragons, to the world of Agrabah, and the odd visit to Beast's Castle. But when he finally found the blond again, he had forgotten everything.

The moments they shared, the (unreal) laughs they had, the times they spent together, everything.

_You really don't remember. _He tried not to sound hurt when he saw that look of confusion coming from the blonds' blue eyes. _It's me. You know, Axel._

_Axel?_

They talked, they fought and before the red head could get Roxas back again, that man had to appear and interfere everything. He was somehow forced out of the arena and out of the simulated world and he could only watch from afar until that man messed up again.

Him and Number 13 crossed paths a couple of times more after that, but that man always interfered. He was at the end of his patience. If he didn't get Roxas back, he might end up burning the whole building down.

The next time they met, Roxas had remembered everything, but, he still wanted to find out why he was chosen.

He was right about the kid though. Roxas really _could_ kick his ass, and he did.

When the fight was all over, the red head struggled to catch his breath and he contemplated his next move. Really, he should've just begged for him to come back. But instead, he merely laughed cynically and left through a half heartedly summoned portal.

_Let's meet again in the next life._

There was no hope for them, but it didn't hurt to try. If he could cry, he would've.

_Yeah. I'll be waiting._

It really hurt him to leave the blond behind, almost tore his heart out, if he had one. _Silly. Just because _you_ have a next life…_

After that, Axel never saw Roxas again. He had already merged back with the real keyblade wielder. And upon hearing the news, he felt something inside of him twitch in anger, in sadness, in humiliation of his own failure.

Had he known that was going to be last time he'd ever see Roxas again, he would've tried harder, so much harder. Would've used everything he had to get him back.

He tried repeatedly to get the kid to come back again, by trying to get the keyblade wielder turn into a heartless again, but each attempt failed.

Tried to get the keyblade wielder's friend as form of blackmail or leverage, as he'd like to put it.

_We've got something in common, Kairi. You and I both miss someone we care about._

That was when it really hit him. That he genuinely _cared _for Roxas. And he worked harder to get him back.

That first attempt failed, so he tried again. And he finally got to her too, but unfortunately, the fates weren't all that kind to him and she got taken away by Number 7, Sai'x.

And just when all hope was lost, and he finally came to his senses, he thought that he'd give his all to help the brunet.

_I kidnapped Kairi, but she got away from me. _

There was a twinge of regret in his voice but he brushed it off, _After that, Sai'x caught her._

_He's a member of Organization 13. Sai'x. Got it memorized? Now go save her!_

Never had he thought that it'll be the day he'd sacrifice himself to save the stupid Keyblade wielder that wasn't Roxas. But it was close enough.

It was the closest he could get.

He felt his world crumbling around him.

He felt his whole entire being slowly fade away into nothingness.

He had never felt this empty before.

He had never felt…this alone before.

_I wanted to see Roxas._

Something was tearing at his empty chest, and he tried not to cry when he looked into those blue eyes that reminded him of a certain blond. He felt miserable at the sight of it.

_He made me feel… like I had a heart._

Xemnas lied…He told them that Nobodies don't have a heart. They can never feel.

But if that's true, then why did he _feel_? Why did he _feel_ when he was around Roxas? Why did it hurt, to look into those blue eyes that reminded him of nobody but Roxas? Why did he miss him so much?

It was almost worth it, when he heard his name being said. It sounded almost as though Roxas was saying it. Although one could only hope.

He found himself in that town when they first met. As though the Fates were finally being nice enough to grant him one last dream.

Dreams were for the weak. He was weak. He couldn't save Roxas. Didn't have the strength to make him stay. Didn't have the strength to take him back.

It was the perfect farewell he never wanted.

_See you, Axel._

Axel stared into those beautiful blue eyes and felt condemned but forgiven.

_See ya…partner…_

Axel didn't know why one side of his face felt wet, but it felt so right.

_He made me feel… like I had a heart._

He remembered what heartbreak felt like. And it was heartbreaking to watch Roxas leave. Not once, but twice.

But at least this time, maybe he might be able to go with him.

In their next life.

* * *

It's so unfair…Why Tetsuya?! WHY!! (Cries again) 


End file.
